Starbucks is also a fairytale
Starbucks is also a fairytale
Disclaimer: Mr. J loves my cats. But he came into my life many years after they did. They were here first. They don’t understand why he’s here now. They hate him. He does not understand why they hate him, or rather he does but he doesn’t care. Also, we are both vulgar people and swear at our pets just as much as they swear at us in cat language. No cat feelings or human feelings were harmed.
We were watching Master Chef.
Me: Describe the spirit of Tiny Rick if he were food.
Mr. J: A really good stew that you crack a raw egg all over at the last minute.
Mr. J: Because he sneezes all over everything.
Me: Okay, what about Leela?
Mr. J: Tiramisu but you dumped the entire jar of cinnamon over it.
Mr. J: Because the core is good but if you scrape away the top it’s just overwhelming and slightly annoying.
Me: Okay, Titian?
Mr. J: Chocolate pudding. Because she’s a fat piece of shit and slightly runny.
Note: Titain weighs 18.5 lbs. which is big for an American shorthair.
My mom recently gifted me with an abstract neon skull beach towel. I wasn’t there but here’s the conversation she had with the sales associate:
Mom: (puts towel on counter)
Cashier: Ma’am? You do realize these are HUMAN skulls?
Mom: Yes, it’s for my daughter, she collects them. I’m so thrilled you have something I can get her that will make her happy.
So I’ve got some wasps trying to make a home behind the aluminum siding next to my front door. I was standing on my balcony zoning out after the storm and one of the wasps flew straight at me. Usually I move and make my slightly disturbed distress noise but because my brain has been in a fog all day I didn’t really register that the wasp was there. When I didn’t move right away it hovered in the air about a foot in front of my face and made this little loop in the air. I, finally realizing that there was indeed a wasp at face level, moved over a little to the right and said, “Sorry.” The wasp then flew through the empty space and into the gap between my door and the siding. I think the only reason I didn’t get stung was because it had a mouth full of food or construction material for its house.
Last night I dreamt I was staying at this really nice hotel with pink walls and enormous picture windows. I was there for work, or something business related and I had to pack up all my stuff to leave. Most of the other residents, my co-workers, had already left but I wanted to stay a few extra days. But then these blue cylindrical pods fell from the sky and inside were these slimy, reptilian/insectoid monster aliens. I started to run away and one of the aliens started chasing me but along the way it took over my ex’s body, like made a skin suit and killed the fuck out of him. Then we became best friends.
How Spider Saved Christmas
The Cockatrice Boys
The Velveteen Rabbit
Sylvester and the Magic Pebble
Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH
The Very Hungry Caterpillar
Frog and Toad Together
The Wind in the Willows
Alexander and the Wind-Up Mouse
The Rice Cake Rabbit
Fuzzy Rabbit in the Park
The Tale of Peter Rabbit