Morning Trust Exercise

Me: This time don’t throw away your baking stuff because you’re inevitably going to need it and end up buying the same stuff again.

Mr. J: I got stuff that actually works this time Jess.

Me: What’s this for?

Mr. J: It’s a blender wand, I’m definitely keeping that because it works with my shakes.

Me: Okay.

Mr. J: Jessa, put the blender down. You might cut yourself.

Me: But the blade isn’t attached. It’s all the way over there.

Mr. J: Put the blender down Jessa.

Me: How am I going to cut myself when the blade’s not attached.

Mr. J: Put it down Jessa.

Half Cat, Half Xenomorph

(Another dialogue between my husband and I in the early morning)

Mr. J: I remember what Titian reminds me of! She’s like a fluffy version of that half human, half xenomorph the queen gave live birth to in the fourth movie. You know, the one that got sucked out the crack in the window!

Me: What?! She looks nothing like that! It doesn’t even have fur!

Mr. J: I said a fluffy version. I mean, look at her face.

Me: That is terrible! Do not say that!

Mr. J: And they are both mostly toothless…

Me: Shut the fuck up!

Valor

This is a post about pets. About cats. If you have cats, you can probably relate.

My cat’s name is Leela. She is a Russian Blue and lately I have been calling her Leeks becasue that is what my text message auto correct changes her name to. Apparently, Leela is not an actual word. Try telling her that.

Leela woke me up at 1:01 a.m. this morning. She usually waits for my alarm to go off before squeeking incessantly. She wants treats. And before you ask why I reinforce bad behavior with a reward, let me just say: she gets treats. She always gets treats. When I don’t get up with my alarm she bites my arm and jumps away before I can grab her. Wash, rinse, repeat. Meow, bite, evade.

That is my morning routine.

Today the meow, bite, evade began WAY earlier than usual. So after I tried telling Leela that I really didn’t want to wake up at 1:01 a.m. when my alarm was scheduled to go off at 5:30 a.m. I reluctantly emerged from my cocoon of blankets with many tiny bite marks on my arm.

I gave her and her big sister, Titain, treats and noticed that the food bowl was empty. That, obviously, was her motivation for waking me up. I filled the bowl and went back to bed.

5:30 a.m. rolls around and I am greeted by both my alarm and Leela screaming at me to get up. I hit snooze until about 5:49 a.m. Then I get up and give Leela, Titain, and Tiny Rick this time, treats. Yes, two of them got treats twice. Tiny Rick has FIV and doesn’t care if he’s missed out.

Priorities.

So then, as often happens in the early morning when I want to be asleep but am not, I have random thoughts. I thought of all those times when cats randomly look at blank spots in the world and stare.

Mr. J: How’d you sleep.

Me: Leela woke me up at 1:01 a.m.

Mr. J: Yep.

Me: Hey Mr. J, what if Leela and the others are in like a union and have been fighting demons and evil spirits all night and Leela is the one out of the group who makes sure they all get fair wages but in this case the wages are treats?

Mr. J: Or Leela is that lazy son of a bitch who does the least amount of work but expects to get the most pay.

Me: That’s mean!

Mr. J: It’s true.

Me: (Walks into kitchen. Leela follows, meowing.) What if Leela and the others fought a really tough, bad ass evil spirit at 1 a.m. and they got a monthly bonus?

Leela: jumps up on the counter and meows.

Me: (Smushes Leela’s face.) You always work hard killing the things we can’t see. No one can question your valor!

Leela: Meow.

Me: Yeah, you don’t give a shit, do you?

Leela: Meow.

Me: If anyone in the world deserved to not give a shit, it’s you. Well, really, it’s me but if I can’t not give a shit then you don’t have to.

And that has been my morning so far.